IF I WERE MEREDITH GREY...

I LOVE Grey’s Anatomy (read: Shonda Rhimes is a sheer genius!). It’s one of my guilty pleasures. I adore the characters because I could often relate to them; obviously not the work stuff, but the problems they face, the friendship they formed and the personal struggles they all had to go through.

Everyone I know (including myself) are broken and damaged or dark and twisty. I am not proud of the mistakes I’ve done in the past, but it’s what made the person I’ve become. If I were to re-write my story, I wouldn’t change a thing (oh well, maybe a few erasures here and there. kidding). Because no matter how many times I fell, no matter how many times people broke my trust, no matter how bleak the future was then… the thing is, I survived. As long as you live through another day, it’s one more chance... one more opportunity to make things right or at least do the right thing. Why not make the most of it? Besides, we all carry our own baggage. We all have our ominous past that shadows our seemingly-perfect present. And even the best of us are after all still, broken and damaged or dark and twisty.

After learning my lessons well, I vowed to exercise extreme caution, prudence, patience, and utmost sensibility before making any life-changing decisions. I have to think it through a million times before making the jump. Especially on love and relationships. I’ve always believed in the beauty of a quintessential love affair where love, respect & loyalty is primary, commitment is necessary and communication is key. Call it a twisted reality, a futile fantasy, a childish delusion…call it whatever you like. But isn’t it the beauty of love… you fall when you least expect it… you drown when you think everything’s fine… then at the moment when you thought you’re done for, you’ll soar once again.

Thing is… you can’t expect the unexpected. So you’ll never be prepared when whatchamacallit comes knocking at your door. So what if, when you thought it was time to see who’s on the other side, you find – not one, but two prospective knights-in-shining-armor desperately fighting for your affection? What is a damsel-in-distress (na sobra haba ng hair) to do? If you were to choose between King Arthur and Sir Lancelot, who would you go for?

My solution: no one…JUST YET. I resorted to… … DATING (both of them. Hahaha.)! I'm bad? I know!!!! But it’s fun…tingles and everything… until the time that I HAVE to choose. Darn! Do I really have to?

Then another sign poking at my now-despondent conscience was staring in front of me while I was answering a survey earlier. One of the questions was:

16.) Ever dated two people at once? (Guess what my answer was? ;p)

I couldn’t help laughing at the seemingly-innocent, matter-of-fact way the question was thrown at me as if it were goading me to make a smart-ass answer. Hence, I remembered this scene from Grey’s Anatomy’s Sometimes a Fantasy:

MEREDITH: Enough! This is not dating. I want moonlight, and flowers, and candy, and people trying to feel me up. Nobody is trying to feel me up. Nobody is even looking at me! I'm an intern. Do the two of you have any idea how much effort it takes to do all this? (She motions to her body.) I'm waxed, and plucked, and I have a clean top on. (Shouting) And the two of you are looking at each other.

DEREK: Meredith, it's...

MEREDITH: No! My fantasy is not two men looking at each other.

FINN: We didn't...

MEREDITH: No talking until one of you figures out how to put on a date! I want heat, I want romance, damn it I wanna feel like a freakin' lady!

So, who are my Derek and Finn? Intrigued? Sorry, but I won’t be divulging their top-secret identities here. So it shall remain that way…for now…this will have to suffice:

My Finn: I’ve known him for quite some time now. A dear friend who knows how to listen and when to give me advice. Someone whom I'm really comfortable with and most importantly, someone whom I can count on if I ever needed anything. Basically a good guy who dreams of a happy ending. His version of a happy-ever-after involves a loving wife and a couple kids to boot! An ideal family man…need I say more?

My Derek: Has a dark past…and waaaaay too much baggage to carry around (which he thoughtfully confessed right after he told me his intentions…how convenient db?) Most (if not all) of my friends says he’s bad news and that he’s not good for me (note: he pledged allegiance to a certain brotherhood of testosterone-pumping, ego-inflated men whose reputation can only be matched by their legendary notoriety. But behind the menacing facade, a sweet, loving and surprisingly warm creature resides. There’s never a dull moment with him. I don’t know how to say this…but I guess, we just clicked.

So, there goes my dilemma. When my Tita said that my Derek is bad for me and and that my Finn is a good thing, there’s some truth to it. Finn is a rescuer-guy. You know, rescuer-guys, right? They’re the ones who are determined to break through the scary/damaged barrier we dark and twisty girls put up. They’re the real thing, rescuer-guys are the guys you marry.

The guys you should marry. But then there are the Dereks of the world…

Let me say a little something about McDreamy men. They are scary and damaged themselves. They carry a little bit of tortured soul in them. But they mean well. And they’re honest. And they’re so, so, so darn tempting. Especially when they say “I just…I love you. I have loved you…forever.” How in the world are we supposed to say no to that? We should. We should send them packing. But…SERIOUSLY?

And so Meredith…errrr… I mean, I (Chie) am left with this choice. Between what my brain knows what I should do and what my heart wants to do. And while it seems obvious and easy, it’s absolutely not. Finn has plans. And Derek got issues. And there’s the choice to be healthy and mature and whole, and the choice to jump off the cliff. And no one jumps off a cliff without a parachute if they know what is good for them. Plus, it’s not like I don’t have feelings for Finn. I definitely have feelings for Finn. And I know Derek said that he really, really, genuinely likes me… but is it enough?

The confusion is confusing and the heartbreak that always feels imminent is scary -- so freaking scary the idea that you could make the wrong choice and lose the right man -- even the idea that you might make the right choice and lose the wrong man is upsetting when you really, really like them both.

That would give any girl pause. Major, major pause.

I am pausing.

I’ve hit the pause button.

But, ultimately, I like to take my finger off the pause button and see what happens next.