RAMBLINGS OF A BROKEN HEART

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings."
~anais nin~

IF ONLY….
==>you<==

If only I paid more attention when she was telling me how much she loved me.
If only I told her how much I really appreciated all her efforts in orchestrating every monthsary, anniversary, birthday or even the “just-because” surprises she lovingly spoiled me.
If only I valued all the times we spent together and not waste any second of it fighting over the silliest things.
If only I didn’t complain so much about her annoying fetishes and just let her be.
If only I showered her with more attention during those times that she badly needed me.
If only I enjoyed to the fullest every date she took me out to, every movie we watched, and every resto we dined in.
If only I relished every sweet kiss, every loving touch, every comforting embrace.
If only I melted in every meaningful stare.
If only I savored every softly-whispered “I love you” and the million times she said “I miss you”.
If only I lingered in the pure bliss of her ecstasy.
If only…
...YOU were still mine.

IF I COULD ONLY…
==>me<==

If I could only hear another sweet I love you.
Celebrate another monthsary… one more anniversary…with you...
And begin to count our years together...once again.

If I could only feel your mesmerizing gaze that melts my heart and weakens my will...
Or sense your lingering touches…
Taste your soft, passionate kisses…
And be in your loving presence...once again.

If I could only hear you sing another song that caresses my heart and touches my soul...
As your fingers strum each chord with dedicated purpose…
Your voice resonating in my head and through my very core…

If I could only stop the world from spinning… revisit the past and rewrite each bittersweet memory of our love into an unending fairy tale.
If only I could turn back time and re-live all those happy moments we shared together.
If only I could....
…STAY.

-30-

BROKEN PURPLE

Feelings fade, people change.
Nothing remains unchanged - even the strongest of feelings.
Love is naught unless you fight ‘til the bitter end.
Faced with the crossroad that is your own -
Go down the wire and through the fire… burdened by the cross of betrayal
Or breakfree from the chains of misery and set your love free…
Unbound your heart, release your soul, watch him fly…
Hold no longer. Let go.

Pain begets hope.
Hope to find light at the end of your darkest day.
Life is a journey.
Live life lest you wither into nothingness…
Stay.

The choice is no one but ours to make…No one but ours to face.
Be strong.
Take heed.
Make a stand.
Have faith.
Believe.
And LOVE…once again.

-30-

INSATIABLE

I remember my Prof in Psych saying that a man's wants and desires are endless. Our list of what "I want to buy", "what I want to have", "what I want to achieve", "what I want to become" or just simply "what i want" can go on forever.

When I was in elementary I couldn't wait to get to high school and be able to enjoy the so-called "highschool life". In highschool, I counted the days when I can pack my bags and live the life of independence that college has to offer. In college, I wanted to be everything... CEAT's college scholar (I only made it to honor roll), everybody's friend (BS Org nga ako e), a power-dancer (at least I tried to be & made it to the CORE group that became SOP champs), the best organizer and orchestrator of all the activities of the UPLB SJazz clan (the mind behind it all), and last but certainly not the least I did my best to be the perfect gf.

I did everything in my power to get everything that I wanted. After college, I thought I had it all...a perfect job, a perfectly planned future, a perfect partner who means the world to me and loves me unconditionally, a perfect life. Or so I thought.

Why's it that when we earn just enough to survive, we aim for a more lucrative job. After landing that dream job, we seek for other employment opportunities that offer better benefits. After getting all the benefits anyone can ask for, we still try to scout for a more challenging post. What is there left to take?

When we have fairly enough money to buy anything we want, we want more money to buy all the other things that we think we want. And even after getting all those things, we still find ourselves looking for extra jobs, accepting loads & loads of overtime, channeling our business skills to look for other sources of income. And for what? To get the newest Nokia cellphone (whose value depreciates faster than you can blink), to buy a new pair of Manolo Blahnik's or Jimmy Choo's that you've been eyeing for months, or so you can afford another getaway trip to Bora? Then, what's next in your unending wish list?

When we were single we secretly prayed for our prince charming to come and carry us off to our happy-ever-after. We prepare ourselves for that one person, so that when our one great love comes, we can offer ourselves whole..not wanting anything else...not desiring anything more... not looking for what is not there. We enjoy the bliss of love, togetherness & loyalty. We do all things as one. We are bounded by this inexplicable feeling that drives us to be the best possible person we can be for our partner. We plan to spend our lives together... forevermore. But for some reason, when we are already in a secured, stable and loving relationship, we tend to think of all the "what ifs" and "what could have been". We long for the "magic" that has been lost in the essence of fondness and familiarity. We envision that love should last for a lifetime. And when we don't "feel" the love that we used to know, is it reason enough to say that you have fallen out of love? That somehow, love has been lost in the many years that you have been together. It was inevitably consumed... prodding you on to begin another search of that lost feeling... to find love once again.

Do we then just turn our backs to our one great love? How sure are we that what's out there is what(who) we want? What if the very person you're trying so hard to look for, is already the very same person standing right in front of you? Is it worth giving up your forever for?

And if you decide to take the jump...take the risk...How do you then say goodbye to the person you promised forever to?

HAPPINESS 101

HAPPINESS. Lately, I have been puzzled by this word - as to what exactly is its meaning. How can you define the feeling of being happy? Is it something that you experience on your own or do you need an external force to be familiar with it? Is it a lasting feeling or just a fleeting emotion? Is it exactly the way we understand it…a feeling, an abstract emotion, a vague quantification of a state of mind? So I did a little research. Here’s what I found from a very reliable source…the mother of all linguists and etymologists, Merriam-Webster. HAPPINESS is:

Pronunciation: 'ha-pE-n&s
Function: noun
Definition: 1 a feeling or state of well-being and contentment
2 a: JOY b : a pleasurable or satisfying experience
3 the feeling experienced when one's wishes are met -- see PLEASURE

Synonyms blessedness, bliss, blissfulness, felicity, gladness, joy
Related Words elatedness, elation, exhilaration, exultation, intoxication; ecstasy, euphoria, heaven, rapture, rapturousness; delectation, delight, enjoyment, pleasure; cheer, cheerfulness, exuberance, gaiety (also gayety), gladsomeness, glee, gleefulness, jollity, joyfulness, joyousness, jubilation, lightheartedness; content, contentedness, gratification, satisfaction
Near Antonyms anguish, desolation, joylessness, sorrow, woe, woefulness; blues, dejection, depression, despondency, disheartenment, dispiritedness, doldrums, downheartedness, gloom, gloominess, melancholy, mournfulness
Antonyms misery, sadness, unhappiness, wretchedness

I have previously claimed that finding happiness is ones prerogative. It’s your choice. But, come to think of it, can you really will yourself to be happy? After losing a very important person in my life, I have come to value things that I have long taken for granted. I kept thinking about those “happy moments”… If only I relished every sweet kiss, every loving touch, every comforting embrace. If only I melted in every meaningful stare. If only I savored every sweet“I love you” and every lovingly uttered “I miss you”. If only I wallowed in the pure bliss of his ecstasy. If only I could turn back time and re-live all those happy moments we had together. If only…

Is happiness relative?
Is it relative to a person who makes you smile, tickles your funny bones, touches your heart and gives you that tingling feeling down your spine? Is it relative to a satisfying job or a fulfilling career that boosts your ego and makes you feel all-powerful? Is it relative to a devoted husband, a loving wife or the perfect children? Is it relative to all the grandiose material possessions that you’re able to obtain throughout your lifetime?

Is happiness quantifiable?
Let’s see if we can come up with a scale to measure happiness. When can we say that we’re truly happy? Is it possible to develop a “happiness gauge” so you can keep tabs on how happy you really are during a particular moment?

How Long Will It Last?
Can we really believe in forevermore? Is there such a thing called “happy-ever-after”? Or are all forms of happiness tend to be momentary?

Factors that Contribute to Ones Happiness:

1. Active and committed presence of the “one great love”
2. Sense of belongingness to a family (not broken or dysfunctional in any way)
3. A supportive barkada who loves to reiterate to you, lest you forget, the definition of FUN (di pede ang KJ…feeling high school pa din)
4. A greatly-fulfilling career and a high-paying job that enables you to buy everything you need and more.
5. Money… money… and lotsa’ lotsa’ money… pero sabi nga nila diba, money can buy you all the things you want but not everything you need (i.e. love, time, etc). Hence, erase…erase…erase!
6. The prospect of a “new” love… the kilig factor… the eagerness to unveil the mystery behind the unfamiliarity… the tingling excitement of finding something new, uncovering the real person inside… the magical first kiss…
   
   

Ode to -beinte otso-

The past 1361 days… a little over 45 months… have undoubtedly become the very best days of my life. Everything has changed since that fateful day when fate brought us together… our goals, our priorities, our perceptions in life, our friends and families… everything has come and gone except YOU. You were the one “constant” that helped me get through the good, the bad, the happy and sad moments of my life. Whenever I’m down, you were always there to pick me up, prodding me onwards to try again. You never gave up on me no matter what. You were the reason why I became the stronger and much wiser person that I am now. You were also the only one who cares and loves me enough to go the extra mile just to see me smile. For the past 3 years, you were my only source of pleasure and sheer bliss. You made life so worth living and you were the main reason why I have the will to wake up each passing day. Ultimately, you have given me the one thing that I have been longing for since the first time I have learned to love… security. You taught me how to trust again…to have faith in other people but most especially to have faith in myself. Your seemingly endless love for me has sown my heart together from disparity and heartbreak and made me whole. Since then, I have loved you like I never thought I could ever love someone else. I devoted my life to you and I gave you all of me.

But now we are faced with, by far, the hardest and most emotionally-consuming obstacle in our lives together. It shattered my heart and drained my very core. We never talked about breaking-up because you never wanted to hear even a word of it. Maybe because it was never an option – up until now. But the one thing that stuck to me that I remembered you saying was that if you were ever to face an inconceivable break-up… you will never give up easily on us and that you will fight for me to the end.

This is what I’m trying to do now. Please don’t hate me for doing this. I am not trying to make you miserable. It’s just that I feel it in my heart that I have to do this. I want to do this. Because I love you far more than you can ever imagine. I feel like this is the right thing to do… just like what happened last night… you holding me in your arms…it felt so right… that it’s where I belong. I’m not going to give up just like that. The war is not yet lost. Please let me know if I stand a chance… Please let me know if you want me to fight for you… for us. We are so good together. I know this will be hard but please stick with me.

I don’t want to look back to this day and regret why I did not even TRY to fight for you. Please give “US” a fighting chance. Don’t you think that we deserve one more shot? Honey, please… won’t you stay in the room with me? Let’s give “happy-ever-after” one more chance.

______________________________________________________________

LET'S STAY TOGETHER

I'm so in love with you
Whatever you wanna do
Is alright with me
You make me feel so brand new(It's you that always makes me feel brand new)
I want to spend my whole life with you(I just wanna spend my life with you)
Let me say that since, since we've been together
Loving you forever is what I need
Let me be the one you come running to(Let me be the one that you run to)
I'll never be untrue(I will never be untrue to you)
Oh baby let's stay together(Let's stay together)
Let's stay together(Let's stay together)
Loving you forever(Let's stay together)
Times are good or bad, happy or sad(Good, bad, happy or sad)
Ooh, tell me why can't we stay together(Good, bad, happy or sad)
Why, why do people break up
Turn around and make up

And I just can't see
You'd never do that to me(you would never do that to me)
Being around you is what I see(Being around you that is what I see)
Baby baby let's, let's stay together(Let's stay together)Loving you whether(Let's stay together)

Simple Realizations

1. You don’t need anyone to complete you.


2. Love yourself first and foremost. Be sure not to lose track of that when you share your love to someone else.


3. Being single is fun! No worries, no restrictions, no objections!


4. It’s not so bad to live by the moment… not to relive the past and think so much about the future.


5. Choose your friends well… you’ll never really know who your true friends are until such time that you need them most… whoever sticks around and walks through the fire with you… is a rare gem… never to be lost… always to be treasured.


6. Grief and sorrow are there to make you strong. Don’t lurk away from the hardships of life or escape the burning agony of living… take a stand… make a resolve… will yourself to move on. There’s more to life than you expect.


7. Welcome the changes in your life like a child eagerly anticipating the presents on Christmas morn. You’ll never know what you’re gonna get ‘til you rip open the fancy wrappings, reach inside the box & pull out the well-thought-of surprise. More often than not, it’s not what we wished for… but oftentimes, it’s just what we need… we just haven’t realized it yet.


8. When you feel like everything and everyone has turned their backs on you… when you feel the urge to break free and make your silent escape… stop for a while… look around… amongst the clutter in the world, you’ll find another soul suffering the same pain, enduring the same trials, feeling the same soul-wrenching grief… making you realize that in fact, you are not alone.
9. If your great love failed you... pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and be ready to try again. Do not use your heartache as an excuse to shun the next great person who comes along... you'll never know if destiny's already knocking at your door. Be forever grateful for the happy moments, the broken heart and the lessons learned from your one great love.
10. Happiness is a prerogative.