MAKING AMENDS

Last night, I cried. I cried out to the Lord, just like David did when he said: “Why have You forsaken me? Why do You remain so distant? Why do You ignore my cries for help?” (Psalm 22:1) I pleaded with Him to make me FEEL His presence…to let me know that He is still there. You see, it is so easy to praise God and believe that he is working in your life when things are going great – when He has generously provided food, friends, family, health and happy situations. But when circumstances turn awry, how do you worship Him then? I begged the Lord to help me overcome my feelings and keep my faith when it feels as if He has abandoned and forgotten me – when He seems a million miles away. Because that’s when relating to God and worshipping Him gets difficult.



I know that there are times when He seems to be MIA (missing-in-action). It IS but normal. Every Christian undergoes this phase at least once, and usually several times. It is painful and disconcerting, but it is absolutely vital for the development of your faith. So, I just woke up one morning and all my spiritual feelings are gone. I prayed, but nothing happened. I went through spiritual exercises, but it didn’t change anything…I asked a dear friend to pray for me… I confessed every sin I could imagine…I fasted…still nothing. So I began to wonder how long this spiritual drought might last. Days? Weeks? Months? Will it ever end? It feels as if my prayers simply bounce off the ceiling. So I tried to run way, I tried to find escape and in utter desperation, cried out: “What’s the matter with me?!?!?”



Weeks had passed but I was still in the dark. I didn’t know then what was really transpiring, what was wrong with me, and what God was planning. I knew in my heart that there must be a reason for His silent presence. So I waited patiently. I just kept uttering that this too shall pass. Then…yesterday happened.



I didn’t know why I suddenly had the urge to browse through my outdated blog in Blogspot. I changed the layout, removed some widgets and played around with new ones, edited some of the entries, and I even wrote this obscure blog about a girl who developed a skewed view on relationships after being scarred and damaged by her one great love. Toinks! My beau even asked me who it was for, and I honestly answered I didn’t know. Then, by some unknown force I was taunted to read on. And there it was, staring back at me, pages after pages of poured out emotions – cheesy poems, dedicated love songs and vindictive rants. I began blogging in 2007; when my world was turned upside down. Hence, Purplegoddess (my alter ego) was born. Amidst all that was happening I found comfort in writing. It’s soothing familiarity took me back to my comfort zone which I haven’t been to in years. I had forgotten the feeling that in paper, I can be anything. So, it became my form of release of all the hurt and the pain that was bottling up inside me. Seeing my thoughts come to life in pages, made me feel free, or so I thought. Because that pseudo-freedom was only fleeting and temporary.



For a moment, I allowed myself to drown in the nostalgia. I can’t put my finger on what I was exactly feeling – I felt relieved but also guilty, I felt a tinge of regret but I was also extremely thankful… perhaps, I’m just glad that I survived that ordeal and reigned victorious. But that victory wasn’t mine, it was solely God’s. Tirelessly and til I reach my end, I will speak forth of His transforming glory. Never had I thought that I would be where I am now…unbounded and free! And never had I imagined that I could be so happy, contented and loved UNCONDITIONALLY! (One up to our Big Man above!) That same year, I was called by the Lord for a purpose. And I knew that regardless of circumstance, He had a plan for me. He is in full control of my life so I need not worry. I found refuge in His unfailing arms. And indeed, as He has promised, His grace is sufficient for me. And so began a beautiful friendship. God was very present in my life. There was nothing He asked of me in return but my willingness to follow Him. So I fervently prayed that He change my heart so that I could keep my eyes on Him and serve Him well. And He answered...He gave me my heart’s desire. I wanted to get to know Him, like he already knows me. Soon I found that once my relationship with Him was established everything else—career, family, goals, ambitions, finances, health and friendships—began to fall into their proper place.





Unfortunately however, Christian life is not always a bed of roses. You experience deep valleys, satiated forests and, like now for me, seemingly endless, dreary deserts. Going back to my story yesterday, I was still busy with work when an email caught my attention. It was work-related stuff, the usual that International Recruitment sends to us every single day. Normally, these emails go directly to my bin without much of a second glance from me. The task of disseminating them wasn’t mine so I don’t usually bother. But at that moment, I was compelled to look... and there it was written in bold red script. A name that I NEVER thought I’d see listed in King Faisal’s new arrivals with an ID badge to boot. It felt like I’d been hit right smack in the face, a rug had been pulled from under me and I’d been doused with ice-cold water. My body went numb and I couldn’t think straight. I was cornered… trapped… God-forsaken…betrayed. It was summer of 2007 all over again. I couldn’t believe my eyes, and maybe I wanted it so bad to be untrue, so I dared to open the file, read the content and in utter defeat, I let myself shed a tear. My mind was bombarded with questions…questions that I had no answer for. HOW CAN THIS BE? Are people deliberately trying to hurt me? How can people I trust do this to me? Why did I have to find out this way? How can someone just thrash away years of friendship? What did I do wrong to deserve this? Why is the Lord allowing this kind of cruel irony?



I wanted to lash on someone. I wanted to flee. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to think. Thankfully, my knight-in-shining armor came to my rescue. Grateful as I was for the love, comfort, security and strength provided, I knew that the clarity I was desperately searching for can only be found in prayer. So I knelt down, made peace with God and laid down every question, every concern and every apprehension. I told God exactly how I felt. I poured out my heart to Him. I unloaded every emotion that I was feeling. And just as I was beginning to feel guilty over complaining a lot, the Lord appeased me by reminding me of Job when he said: “I can’t be quiet! I am angry and bitter. I have to speak!” (Job 7:11). So, I asked the Lord what lesson He was trying to teach me, what character He’s trying to develop, how in the world I’d be able to overcome this test of faith and why was He “absent” when I needed Him most?



They say that the situations that will stretch your faith most will be those times when life falls apart and God is nowhere to be found. But I couldn’t find the strength or the will to understand my situation. I trust the Lord yet I feel despair at the same time. It was frustrating. There was nothing I could do and I was feeling hopeless. Though time healed all wounds yet the taste of betrayal was still so poignant, It wasn’t that I haven’t forgiven. I did. Countless of times, I forgave; because who am I not to? It would be hypocritical of me to expect forgiveness from the Father if I didn’t want to forgive those who has done me wrong, in return. “So what’s the problem Chie?”, I asked myself. And slowly it unfolded, it’s not so much as I haven’t forgiven, it’s because I haven’t heard the words that I needed to hear – that someone will take responsibility for what had happened. It’s not that people haven’t tried to apologize either (ok, so maybe SOMEONE really haven’t). It’s just that no one ever got it right before. TO MAKE AMENDS IS NOT JUST TO APOLOGIZE. IT’S TO MAKE A THING RIGHT. So there it was, the Lord quietly revealed to me what was wrong and what was really getting in the way… it was my PRIDE. All the while, it was ME,ME,ME. And I was ashamed. The Lord called us to settle our relationship with each other (2 Cor 5:18); He commanded to love our enemies and do good to those who hate us (Luke 6:27) and patiently reminded us that “If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God." (Matt 5:23-24). With this, I was deeply humbled. It is not only me whom the Lord loves,but even those who has hurt me. It is not only me whom He will call to serve in His ministry. It is not me whom He has a purpose. And it is not only me who will merit His blessings. Because just like everyone else, I am nothing before God... I have nothing to boast. It is only by his GRACE that I find favor in his sight. He is a gracious, loving, forgiving, patient, all-knowing Father who envelops all of mankind with his penultimate love. He supplies, He provides, He gives, He forgives, He guides, He comforts, He protects not just those who love and obey Him (a.k.a. the "good" people); but even more so those who knowingly hurt & disobey Him. And all because He patiently, unconditionally, and irrevocably LOVE US!

So what now? Does this mean that I’m OK? Nope. By a long shot…NO. But I have faith in the Lord that His grace will walk me through this. He will be by my side. All the things I can’t do, HE CAN. And in my weakness, He will be my strength! I do not wish to question His plan or His purpose for "His thoughts are higher than my thoughts and His ways are higher than my ways". I am a work in progress… a masterpiece in the making… but when my Potter is done with me, I will be a sight to behold. Whole. Healed. And this time... FOR REAL.



I will be fine. Just as the Lord has promised that everything will work out together for good for those who love God and are called for His purpose. I will be just...perfect...in His time!




To God be the glory!

IMPASSE

Our story begins with the girl who is hurting over a guy she can’t have. You see, after losing all hope of ever finding love again after your one great love has failed you…your world is turned upside down then it stops. You then try your darnest to turn it right side up and get it to spin again. So amidst the hullabaloo, somehow, in some weird way, life begins anew. So you’re happy, and giddy and contented all on your own. Everything is where it should be and everything makes sense again. You realize that this is the perfect place for you…this is where you should be… and there is no better place in the world that you need to be…right now.

So what is a newly reformed superwoman to do when a budding love comes knocking – unwelcome, yet still patiently knocking – on your front door? I’m not gonna try comparing Dashing Debonair 1 and Dashing Debonair 2 because they are very, very different; but love is love and you FEEL it through your very core…try as you might to fight, deny or suppress its looming presence, yet you know in your not-so-deep subconscious that you are profoundly smitten by budding love-slash-Dashing Debonair 2.

Thing is, YOU CAN’T HAVE HIM. Can you imagine that? To love someone and they love you but you can’t be together. To see him everyday – every single day, and not be able to touch him, hold him, kiss him. Well, this is the hell that is whose life right now? You long for him. You want him. But you can’t have him. Because it’s dangerous to love him. Loving him can get you hurt again. So you choose to stay away and just be contented with watching him from afar. So is it even logical to still have hope? That you CAN be together again one day? I don’t know. But I think hope is good. Hope is something we all need.

And Budding Love is trying. He is struggling to heal himself. He’s done with denial. Let’s face it, nothing hits home like almost losing the love of your life over your deep, dark secrets...of tales of unrequited love, estranged fiancés, fruit of past loves and what-nots. Which is why he is in serious meditation. And I admire him for seeking help right away. It’s brave. Brave because he has to relive things that nearly cost him his “life”. And yet he’s given himself over to self-introspection, hoping that this can help. And when he defines that feeling of despondency and despair, my heart broke because he is so tortured, but I also feel victorious. Because there’s a chance he can mend. And with that possibility comes hope. There’s that word again…